You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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