I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
