Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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