I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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