Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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