evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
