dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
