shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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