hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
