i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
