wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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