literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
