my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
