I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
