There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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