I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
