i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
