dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
