I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize