i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
