what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
