I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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