He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
