Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
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