literally had 100 drinks last night.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
