I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
