I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
