I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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