My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
