Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
