Don't make out with my wife yet
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
