She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
