I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
