I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
