I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
