im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
