i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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