Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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