12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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