Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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