Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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