For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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