I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
