nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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