The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
