I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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