DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
