she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
