you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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