onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
