Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
