I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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