i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
pop tarts are not kleenex
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
