I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
