there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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