Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
