Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
