Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
