If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
