this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
