Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize