I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
