Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
