Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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