You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
