thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
