Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
