I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize